“There hasn’t been a lot of research into the cuckolding phenomenon,” said David J. Ley, PhD, a clinical psychologist and the author of Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them. “Historically, men whose wives cuckolded them were publicly humiliated, and their wives were often severely punished. It is only in the past decade or so that this fantasy has catapulted itself into the public consciousness, largely due to an intersection of female sexual liberation and the ability of the Internet to allow men with these fantasies to find each other and learn they are not alone.”
Because of this history—cuckolded men publicly shamed, cuckolding wives brutally punished—there hasn’t been much nonjudgmental, non-sex-panicky research into men with your desires, CUCK. Ley’s book represents the first comprehensive effort to explore your particular kink.
“CUCK’s wife is right,” said Ley, “in that many men do get an ego boost out of sharing their ‘hot wife.’ But there are many other motivations as well. Some men are into the idea of cuckolding and humiliation, in a masochistic way. Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, who masochism was named after, explored this fantasy specifically for the humiliation of it.”
Men who enjoy the humiliation of their wives sleeping with other men tend to identify with the term “cuckold,” while men who are into the hot, exciting sex aspect—men like you—tend to identity as “hotwifers.”
“There are lots of men who explore this fantasy just because they think it’s very sexy to imagine or see their wife having hot sex with someone else and being fully satisfied,” said Ley. “One very interesting biological theory for this is related to the concept of sperm competition. Essentially, the theory goes that men get physically aroused when they know that their sperm might have to compete with those of another man, in order to possibly (even theoretically) impregnate a woman. In such circumstances, the men thrust harder and deeper during sex, they ejaculate harder, and their ejaculate contains more sperm.”
As for your wife’s restrictions—you can’t be there, she’ll share some details but not all—Ley thinks your wife is testing you. “She’s setting boundaries,” said Ley. “She wants to see how serious CUCK is, how he’s going to react. And she’s also establishing some level of independence. It’s her body and her sexuality, too, after all.” Ley thinks you guys are coming at this from a good place. Your marriage is on the upswing, you’re talking about your desires openly and honestly, and you’re willing to compromise. “I’ve worked with couples who have made this fantasy and lifestyle work,” said Ley. “And the key component is communication, grounded by mutual trust and respect. If you pursue this, do it with honest communication on both your parts.”