Status Quo, pt. 2


This post will make more sense if you read part one – linked above.

So this week we are approaching the 18th anniversary of our first date. I guess this explains why I’m looking back at things as well as the current situation. I remember back when sex wasn’t complicated. I think the most complicated thing was getting the condom on in the dark after a few rounds at the bar.  Seriously, in those days we had sex merely because the idea would occur to us.  I remember pulling her panties down from under her sundress and burying my face in her crotch on her mom’s loveseat (seriously) knowing full well her mom would be pulling in from her vacation at any moment.  Sure enough…we didn’t quite finish in time. I managed to get most of her daughter’s vaginal secretions off my face and washed my hands before I met her mom for the first time, but I suspect the scarlet flush from her daughter’s face told all.

Now, if both of us happen to be in the mood, healthy and physically capable,  then we have to deal with timing (often a narrow window) and kids and yeah…spontaneity is not ever really an option.  Also, a pity fuck is about as bad as no sex at all. Now I’m not saying this has ever been the case…(that I’m aware of) but having sex just for sake of doing it will actually kill my libido. I want to be wanted. If my partner is not into it…I certainly won’t be.

So here we are. She’s playing games on her phone before hitting the sack and I’m gearing up to chat with one of my “naughty” friends from fetlife to assist with relieving my filthy mind this evening.  I actually have about 5 or 6 online friends…male, female, and trans…that I chat, flirt with, exchange pics with, masturbate with and all that good stuff.

Status Quo

So,  the term “Sexual Politics”… now has meaning for me.

I’ve heard the term in my younger days, but it never really held meaning for me.  Fast forward into my 40s and an 18 year relationship / marriage and all the complexities of human relations,  and now I get it.  My sex life is about as functional as our Congress is.  In fact,  My wife and I have sex about as often as Congress meets… Which is about once a year if you want to avoid Googling that reference. Having said that,  I want to be clear that I am not assigning blame to my spouse,  I’m not even looking to assign blame at all.  it’s just a situation and one that has no clear solution. It just is. From what I’ve read this sort of thing happens a lot at this age and stage and can be a catalyst to infidelity and divorce.  Yeah,  good times. I have friends who have traveled down that road and I don’t intend to follow.

Unfortunately,  I have the libido from hell,  and my spouse has the direct inverse. You could even say she is asexual right now.  The universe has a sick sense of humor!

I have friends my age that are having ED issues already and are subscribing to Dr V.  for assistance there.  I can get still get hard from a stiff breeze.  I have to self stimulate almost daily for a little relief.

Sometimes I wish I was asexual… Because that would be easier to deal with than feeling like a dirty old man on a regular basis.

But this is how it is right now… Pretty much how it’s been since 2009,  2010 ish. But least I still have the internet.



I went to a bar with my friend Mike. There were bands playing, it was crowded, and we casually struck up a conversation with a woman named Heather. After an hour or so, Mike decided to leave. He was tired, he didn’t like the music, and, increasingly, Heather and I were focused on each other. As he was leaving, he noticed that she and I had moved closer to each other, and he grinned at me just before he walked out the door.

Heather and I talked more, drank more, talked more. We were now sitting side-by-side in our booth in the dark lounge. We began kissing. After a few minutes, she broke away and laughed.

“Is there anything I should know before I get smitten?” she asked, and I realized that she somehow hadn’t noticed the ring on my finger.

I held up my hand and showed it to her. “Maybe this?”

Her smile changed. “Ah. There had to be a catch.”

“Sorry. Do you want me to leave?”

She thought about it. “No, I’m having a good time hanging out.”

We got more drinks. She stayed beside me in the booth, but we talked instead of making out. “I kind of want to take you home with me,” she said. I stroked her hair and kissed her again and said, “Sounds good to me.”

“Really? How long could you stay?”

“I’d like to stay with you all night, if you want me to.”

A few minutes later, I was standing outside the bar, phone in hand, calling home. “Hey,” my wife said sleepily.

“Hey, sorry to wake you. I just wanted to let you know I probably won’t be home tonight.”

“Oh… Is it anybody I know?”

“No, I just met her tonight.”

She laughed. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. See you tomorrow.”

The next day, I got a call from Mike, “So, did you get with Heather last night?” he asked. “Yeah,” I replied, “I spent the night with her. She’s really cool.”

“Do you need me to cover your ass with Anni? I can tell her you got drunk and crashed on my couch.”

“She knows where I was,” I replied. He was immediately alarmed.

“Shit, dude… How did she find out?”

“I told her. I wouldn’t do it behind her back.”

“You told her? For real?”

“Yeah, before Heather and I left the bar. She’s okay with it.”


“Barry, that’s sick. I mean, gross.”

“How come?”

“It’s just wrong.”

Anni was his friend too. For me to be unfaithful to my wife, his friend, was okay. For me to lie to her about it was also okay. Moreover, he was prepared to lie to her to help me get away with it. But telling her the truth? And her not having a problem with it? Sick. Gross. Wrong.

Mike was married too, and fucked around at least as much as I did. But he hid it from his wife, so that was okay, or “normal.” This story would just be funny if Mike’s attitude weren’t typical.

When my marriage to Anni ended after seven years, most of our friends decided that our lack of monogamy had been the cause. Or, since few of them were monogamous, but all paid lip service to monogamy, I suppose it would be more accurate to say that they thought a lack of dishonesty had been the cause.

Our marriage had largely been happy. It ended for most of the usual reasons. I say “most,” because infidelity was not among those reasons.

I once had an affair with a married woman whose husband didn’t know what was going on. She told me that while she loved her husband, she couldn’t be monogamous. I asked her if she’d ever talked with him about having an open relationship.

“I couldn’t handle that,” she said.

“Why not?”

“I couldn’t handle him fucking other women.”

She was in bed with me, naked, when she told me this.

At a newspaper where I worked, my editor asked me to write a piece about a local polyamory support group. “Perverts make good copy,” he said cheerfully. (He was married, but known for putting the moves on his female staff.) He was disappointed when I reported that the group not only didn’t have any perverts, but that it didn’t even have any members who were promiscuous.

Not that I’m knocking promiscuity. I couldn’t. I have never been polyamorous, but I have been, and sometimes still am, promiscuous. Most of the polyamorous people I know aren’t promiscuous; they have more than one relationship. Really, I’ve found that they’re more into relationships than most “monogamous” people, which is why they have more than one at the same time.

I’m not polyamorous. I’m just a slut.

And so are many, or most, of us. We just don’t talk about it. The reason most of us don’t talk about it is that “promiscuous” is almost always used as a pejorative. “Slut,” of course, is used as an insult. But try asking someone what’s wrong with being promiscuous, and see how flustered and frustrated they get. They’ll likely answer, “Well, cheating is wrong.” But how is it cheating if you’re honest? Or they might say, “What about the people who might get hurt?”

The hurt, like all problems that seem to arise from non-monogamy, actually arises from our belief that we should be monogamous, and that our partners should also be monogamous. I remember how scandalized reviewers and fans of Julie and Julia were when its author, Julie Powell, wrote another memoir, Cleaving, about how she cheated on her husband. What so many of those who stood in judgment of Powell — including Powell herself — seemed not to realize was that her supposed wrongdoing was only wrong because she felt forced to lie about it. Reviewing the book, I wrote:

Something that doesn’t seem to occur to Powell, though, is that she isn’t the problem. What’s causing all the pain and confusion is an unquestioning acceptance that monogamy is a virtue. Powell clearly loves her husband; indeed, she finds life without him unthinkable. She doesn’t seem to mind when he has an affair, since it doesn’t make her doubt that he loves her and wants to be married to her. She just doesn’t seem to be a sexually monogamous person, and I can’t see that there would be any problem were it not for the (perhaps self-imposed) expectation that she should be, or should be perceived to be.

If you know your partner is having sex with other people, doesn’t that mean you have to deal with jealousy and insecurity? Of course, just as you do if your partner isn’t having sex with other people — or at any rate you don’t know they are. The problem isn’t sex, it’s making our bodies and other people’s bodies symbols of control and ownership — and lying about behavior that crosses the boundaries of “normal” relationships. I have been in relationships during which I have had various other sex partners, and in relationships in which I had sex with few or no other people. I consider these relationships to have been equally non-monogamous.

While I was working on this article, I sent a draft of it to a friend who is 72 years old and has been married to his wife for 49 years — three years longer than I have existed. They have never been monogamous. He wrote back:

And the the truth shall set you free. But in the US of A, hypocrisy rules. I think G. and I are living proof of what you are talking about. When I have told the truth, or my version of the truth, about sex I have been shunned, ridiculed, and ignored.

I don’t know if my current partner and I will be together as long as these friends have managed, but I do know that our time together will be honest, not based on lies.

The Cuckolding Fetish: When Your Wife’s Cheating Turns You On

Some husbands like to watch their wives cheat. Welcome to ‘cuckolding,’ a taboo fetish that is far more common than you might think.
Imagine hearing your wife whisper in your ear, telling you all the naughty things she did with a coworker in the backseat of your car. Instead of getting jealous, it turns you on. Maybe you enjoy the idea of how desirable your wife is. Or maybe you want to watch while she cheats on you, taunting you, forcing you to get involved in humiliating ways. Welcome to “cuckolding,” a taboo fetish that is far more common than you might think.By definition, of course, a cuckold is the “husband of an adulteress.” The phenomenon itself is nothing new (see the works of Shakespeare or Chaucer). It might even be considered universal, since dozens of languages have a term that refers to it. Today’s cuckolding fetish, however, takes the deception and betrayal out of cheating—both partners are in on the secret.

While the average person may think the idea of sharing a spouse is horrific, the NASCA (North American Swing Club Association) estimates that at least 15 percent of married couples have opted for the swinger lifestyle. While swinging isn’t exactly cuckolding, the idea of willfully sharing a partner remains. According to Dr. Paul Abramson, a professor of psychology at UCLA and lead singer of Crying 4 Kafka, “Traditional American heterosexual relationships are built on monogamy. Cuckolding would thus be relationship suicide. But for relationships that have different boundaries, the impact might be trivial.” He says that if 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce, cuckolding can’t be the only thing to blame.

According to the General Social Survey conducted by the National Opinion Research Center, 19 percent of men and 14 percent of women admitted (key word: admitted) to having an extra-marital affair. Those statistics make sense considering the popularity of cheating websites like that tout over 8 million members (that’s roughly about 2.5 percent of the U.S. population). Technology, of course, makes it easier to have a discreet affair.

Take Tinder, the newest hook-up craze. Download the app, find people within a certain radius, and swipe left or right based on whether you think the person is attractive. While the exact amount of booty calls generated by Tinder is impossible to pin down, Tinder founder and CEO Sean Rad told TechCrunch that the app witnesses 3.5 million matches along with 350 million swipes a day. And how many of those people are already in a relationship? Infidelity isn’t always the death of a relationship. For some, it seems to be a spark.

Infidelity isn’t always the death of a relationship. For some, it seems to be a spark.

Some believe that cuckolding is really just exposed infidelity. In some ways, it spices up a sex life without the added guilt of cheating. While this fetish isn’t for the insecure, it’s certainly not for monogamists. (It’s definitely not for me.)

Isadora Almen, a licensed psychotherapist and board certified sexologist, says that the cuckold phenomenon cannot be explained any more than someone’s desire for bosomy blondes or being spanked. It’s an individual kink, one that she’s been answering questions about since the ‘80s. Almen says a man wouldn’t feel like he was a victim. Instead, he might think of himself as “particularly generous in seeing to his woman’s pleasure.” She adds a warning: “I wouldn’t recommend it as a sex therapist for spicing up one’s love life. It could lead to jealousy and resentment. It’s pretty out there for most people and in many cases it’s the woman who is resentful and not the man whose kink it is.”

It’s not always about acting out a fantasy, sometimes it’s enough to just watch.Mean Cuckold is the highest selling DVD producer and director Glenn King has ever released. King says people are bored with regular sex. “Cuckolding is a way to humiliate a slave or explore sexuality,” he says. “Infidelity is just performing the physical act of cheating on your spouse. You could say though, that infidelity is one way to cuckold a submissive.”

The act of cuckolding can often be filed under the female domination tab, as is evident in King’s series. There are three types of cuckolded men: the submissive, forced bisexual, and the voyeurs. “Submissives are into humiliation,” King says. “They fantasize about being degraded and humiliated by a beautiful woman. Second, you have guys who want to be pushed into exploring their darkest fantasies: forced bisexuality. They want to be pushed by their mistress into doing things they would never do, like worshipping another man. Then lastly, we have voyeurs, who just enjoy watching their lover get pleasured by another man. And to take it a step further, for those older males who grew up in the South, watching your woman have sex with a black man is absolutely shocking.”

If cuckolding is just another kink, like BDSM, why do so many shy away from ever mentioning it? Almen says it’s really all in the definition. “Cuckolding has always had with it the element of shame,” she says. “It really points the finger of shame at a man whose woman would go outside the relationship.”


My wife gives the most incredible blow jobs.

She started one the other night, but before she could finish…

I flipped her over and fucked her.

Slow and gentle.

Gradually building up.

I felt her pussy clench as she came.

I was not far behind.

I gushed.

And then as quick as I could slide down,

I went down on her.

I enjoyed the taste of cum on her lips.

Her legs nearly crushed me when the next orgasm hit.

Foreplay after sex….I could get used to that.


Love isn’t so much an emotion, says biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, as it is a brain system, one of three that’s related to mating and reproduction. It’s those other two systems that explain why human beings are capable of infidelity even as we so highly value love. Here Fisher explains more about cheating — why it occurs, how common it is and how a study shows it could potentially correlate to a gene.

1. Pairbonding is a hallmark of humanity. Data from the Demographic Yearbooks of the United Nations on 97 societies between 1947 and 1992 indicate that approximately 93.1% of women and 91.8% of men marry by age 49. More recent data indicates that some 85% of Americans will eventually marry.

Further reading:

2. However, monogamy is only part of the human reproductive strategy. Infidelity is also widespread. Current studies of American couples indicate that 20 to 40% of heterosexual married men and 20 to 25% of heterosexual married women will also have an extramarital affair during their lifetime.

Further reading:

3. Brain architecture may contribute to infidelity. Human beings have three primary brain systems related to love. 1) The sex driveevolved to motivate individuals to seek copulation with a range of partners; 2) romantic love evolved to motivate individuals to focus their mating energy on specific partners, thereby conserving courtship time and metabolic energy; 3) partner attachment evolved to motivate mating individuals to remain together at least long enough to rear a single child through infancy together. These three basic neural systems interact with one another and other brain systems in myriad flexible, combinatorial patterns to provide the range of motivations, emotions and behaviors necessary to orchestrate our complex human reproductive strategy. But this brain architecture makes it biologically possible to express deep feelings of attachment for one partner, whileone feels intense romantic love for another individual, while one feels the sex drive for even more extra-dyadic partners.

Further reading:

4. Infidelity has been a reality across cultures. It was also common among the classical Greeks and Romans, pre-industrial Europeans, historical Japanese, Chinese and Hindus and among the traditional Inuit of the arctic, Kuikuru of the jungles of Brazil, Kofyar of Nigeria, Turu of Tanzania and many other tribal societies.

Further reading:

5. There are different types of infidelity. Researchers have broadened the definition of infidelity to include sexual infidelity (sexual exchange with no romantic involvement), romantic infidelity (romantic exchanges with no sexual involvement) and sexual and romantic involvement.

Further reading:

6. Myriad psychological, cultural and economic variables play a role in the frequency and expression of infidelity. But one thing is clear: infidelity is a worldwide phenomenon that occurs with remarkable regularity, despite near universal disapproval of this behavior.

7. Mate poaching is a pronounced trend. In a recent survey of single American men and women, 60% of men and 53% of women admitted to “mate poaching,” trying to woo an individual away from a committed relationship to begin a relationship with them instead. Mate poaching is also common in 30 other cultures.

Further reading:

8. Infidelity doesn’t necessarily signal an unhappy relationship. Regardless of the correlation between relationship dissatisfaction and adultery, among individuals engaging in infidelity in one study, 56% of men and 34% of women rated their marriage as “happy” or “very happy,” suggesting that genetics may also play a role in philandering.

Further reading:

9. Studies show the possibility of a gene that correlates to infidelity. In 2008, Walum and colleagues investigated whether the various genes affect pair-bonding behavior in humans; 552 couples were examined; all had been married or co-habiting for at least five years. Men carrying the 334 vasopressin allele in a specific region of the vasopressin system scored significantly lower on the Partner Bonding Scale, indicating less feelings of attachment to their spouse. Moreover, their scores were dose dependent: those carrying two of these genes showed the lowest scores, followed by those carrying only one allele. Men carrying the 334 gene also experienced more marital crisis (including threat of divorce) during the past year, and men with two copies of this gene were approximately twice as likely to have had a marital crisis than those who had inherited either one or no copies of this allele. Last, the partners of men with one or two copies of this gene scored significantly lower on questionnaires measuring marital satisfaction. This study did not measure infidelity directly, but it did measure several factors likely to contribute to infidelity.

Further reading:

10. Several scientists have offered theories for the evolution of human adultery. I have proposed that during prehistory, philandering males disproportionately reproduced, selecting for the biological underpinnings of the roving eye in contemporary men. Unfaithful females reaped economic resources from their extra-dyadic partnerships, as well as additional males to help with parenting duties if their primary partner died or deserted them. Moreover, if an ancestral woman bore a child with this extra-marital partner, she also increased genetic variety in her descendants. Infidelity had unconscious biological payoffs for both males and females throughout prehistory, thus perpetuating the biological underpinnings and taste for infidelity in both sexes today.

Further reading:

And a few other books that may be of interest. Further reading on mate choice:

And for further reading on love addiction, see:

Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist who studies the brain in love. She is the Chief Scientific Advisor for dating site and the author of five books on love, sex and relationships, including Why Him? Why Her?: How to Find and Keep Lasting Love.

6 studies that offer fascinating conclusions about human sexuality

Bisexuality may best be interpreted as a stable pattern of attraction to both sexes in which the specific balance of same-sex to other-sex desires necessarily varies according to interpersonal and situational factors.


The standard narrative of human sexual evolution says: men provide women with goods and services in exchange for women’s sexual fidelity. But is that really true or relevant today? Christopher Ryan, the co-author of Sex at Dawn with Cacilda Jethá, takes a deeper look and has quite a few bones to pick with this idea.

Christopher Ryan: Are we designed to be sexual omnivores?

Christopher Ryan: Are we designed to be sexual omnivores?Ryan explains that our sexual patterns are an outgrowth of agricultural models—which accounts for only about five percent of human history. For the other 95 percent, human sexuality was “a way of establishing and maintaining the complex flexible social systems, networks, that our ancestors were very good at.” In hunter-gatherer societies, there were overlapping sexual relationships between members of a community—a more fluid system than the Victorian model we’re wedded to today. In fact, several contemporary societies around the world argue against the sexual myth we’ve built up, too.

“My hope is that a more accurate updated understanding of human sexuality will lead us to have greater tolerance for ourselves, for each other, greater respect for unconventional relationship configurations like same-sex marriage or polyamorous unions, and that we’ll finally put to rest the idea that men have some innate instinctive right to monitor and control women’s sexual behavior,” Ryan says. “And we’ll see that it’s not only gay people that have to come out of the closet: we all have closets we have to come out of.”

Below, read up on some more lines of research that suggest out-of-the-box ideas about our sexuality.

  1. Question: Is bisexuality a sexual orientation, something that’s temporary or an outgrowth of the sexual fluidity we all exhibit?
    Research: In a 2008 study, Lisa M. Diamond of the University of Utah presented the results of a decade-long assessment of nearly 70 women who identified as lesbian, bisexual, or sexually unlabelable. Five times over the course of the study, the women detailed their sexual identities, attractions, behaviors, and their social and familial relationships.
    Results: Based on Diamond’s findings, bisexuality is not a “transitional stage that women adopt ‘on the way’ to lesbian identification” or an “experimental phase” for heterosexuals. Her results, instead, supported that, “Bisexuality may best be interpreted as a stable pattern of attraction to both sexes in which the specific balance of same-sex to other-sex desires necessarily varies according to interpersonal and situational factors,” she writes.
  2. Question: Which comes first—desire or arousal?
    Research: In a study from 2004, described in this New York Times article, Ellen Laan, Stephanie Both and Mark Spiering of the University of Amsterdam examined participants’ physical responses to sexual images.
    Results: The research indicates that we respond physically to highly sexual visuals before our mind even engages with them. In other words, desire doesn’t precede arousal—it’s the other way around. And we aren’t even aware it’s happening.
  3. Question: Do men and women respond differently to sexual images?
    Research: The same New York Times article describes an Emory University studythat tracked participants’ eye movements and brain activity while they looked at sexually explicit photos.
    Results: Men and women didn’t have the same reactions, but they might not be the ones you’d expect. Men looked at the faces in the photographs much more than women did, and everyone quickly flipped past close-ups of genitalia. Brain activity was gender-dependent: in particular, men had a lot more activity in the amygdala than women did.
  4. Question: Does geography influence the body types we idealize and are attracted to?
    Research: There’s a lot written about the effects of culture and media on the bodily standards we uphold. But the International Body Project, a survey of 7,434 people worldwide, aimed to investigate whether there were more base-level factors motivating our ideal body types, too.
    Results: The researchers found that places with low socioeconomic status tended to value heavier female body types, while places with high socioeconomic status tended to favor thinner bodies—possibly because body fat acts as an indicator of status when resources are scarce. And the effect of media shouldn’t be underestimated: “Our results show that body dissatisfaction and desire for thinness is commonplace in high-SES settings across world regions, highlighting the need for international attention to this problem,” the researchers write.
  5. Question: Do men and women have different sex drives?
    Research: A recent New York Times Magazine article describes a University of Wisconsin, Madison “meta-analysis” of more than 800 studies of our sexual habits conducted over 15 years.
    Results: The researchers found that “the evidence for an inborn disparity in sexual motivation is debatable,” the Times Magazine piece reports. The study “suggests that the very statistics evolutionary psychologists use to prove innate difference — like number of sexual partners or rates of masturbation — are heavily influenced by culture. All scientists really know is that the disparity in desire exists, at least after a relationship has lasted a while.” Women’s desire does decrease, but not as a matter of course—as a result of monogamy in particular.

A married man’s adventure with…himself.

Sex and marriage is tough. It’s a whole different ball game than when you’re dating. And don’t get me wrong, married sex is great, even better than ‘single’ sex in a lot of ways. It just happens a lot less frequently. I have two young kids, which is about as much of a turn on as a traffic accident, so needless to say, sex in my house only happens a few times a month…unless it’s a little One on One.

And the thing is, I adore my wife. I’m crazy attracted to her. All it takes is for me to see her naked, and I’m at 100% and ready. Hell, she gives me a lingering hug and I am ready to go. You know the kind. Where a girl brings you in close, and her breasts squish against your chest. It’s the squish that makes it.

It’s like I have a Ferrari, but am only allowed to drive it on the weekends. Or maybe after the Ferrari has a girls’ night out… a few margaritas…and comes home and is ready to get busy.

Isn’t that the best? Your lady goes out with her girlfriends and she gets regaled with stories from her single friends about how awful the men they are dating are, how being single is terrible, etc. Then add a few drinks, and if you’re a decent husband, your wife comes home horny and appreciative.

That’s the most perfect state you can ever hope your wife is in – horny and appreciative.

I had a girl’s night out backfire on me once. My wife went to a passion party. You know what that is? Where normally demure and straight laced women get together, and turn into vicarious nymphos for one night, and have a blast talking about sex, lubes and toys.

Thank you 50 Shades of Grey! It’s like when your girl has a Pampered Chef dinner party or an Amway thing, the main point is to get your friends to buy that shit, so the host gets free shit. Therefore, the host of a passion party is basically having this party so she can get a free buttplug and french ticklers.

And whomever hosts that party, you can bet on a few things: She loves sex, she definitely loves it in the ass, and she’s fucking the holy shit out of her husband when everyone leaves. I bet that is some transcendant, amazing wife-sex, that only rivals her coming home from a Bon Jovi concert.

So my wife, who knows I want to drive her Ferrari more than once a week, goes to one of these parties, and what do you think she comes home with? Some rad black dildo the size of a man’s arm? With ultra realistic veins? Some cool lube that makes sparks when we bang?


She brings me home a Fleshlight. And not for her to use on me, as the ads would have you believe. But for me to use on myself. A unicycle for me to ride, for when the Ferrari is in the shop because “Didn’t I just go for a drive 5 days ago?” Which is fine. I respect that. In an abstract way, she was trying to do right by us both.

Raise of a digital hand for who has used a Fleshlight?

Not that hand, sir. Gross. You should be ashamed of yourself.

For those of you who don’t know, a Fleshlight is basically a rubber vagina jammed into a tube. It looks like a flashlight, but there’s a puss dropped on where the light would be. Or a butthole. Or a mouth. Because men, if you’re going to use a simulated rubber toy to blow a load, it might as well be your fave hole.

So she buys me this pink thing, and I act all uppity, like I’d never degraaademyself and take it out. So it sits in my night stand for a week. I don’t want to give in to this rubber succubus, for fear I might enjoy it too much. Plus that’d also give my wife the satisfaction of ‘winning.’ But like a tell tale heart, I could hear the Fleshlight’s siren call. I could hear it beckoning me to enter into it’s pleasurable vice grip. To cast aside my reticence, whisper to it softly my fears. My hopes. My dreams.

And hey, she spent money on the god damned thing, so I better not waste it.

With the family out of the house one day, I close the shades, pour a glass of wine, light a candle and take stock of the situation. Because while on one hand it’s obvious she bought me something for me to use on myself, I also have to HIDE the fact I used it and am ashamed of it. That’s not her, that’s my own insecurities. Years of growing up and hiding, and sneaking a self-handy are hard to shake.

So when a married family man jerks off in his house, he becomes a Sherlock “John” Holmes – making sure he leaves no clues behind of his activities. I get a spidey sense about where the lotion was, where the tissues were. And you can bet your ass I ‘private browse’ on the computer. Only a jerk rookie would leave a tab open or at least not clear their history. I need to be sure everything is as it was to conceal my crime. This is a skill honed from even as a teen, rewinding my friend’s VHS pornos right back to where it was when I started cranking (usually about 60 seconds).

With the stage set, I get to work. Obviously since my junk doesn’t create its own lube, and this Fleshlight is a dry-ass piece of pink floppy plastic, it needs a bit of greasy encouragement. Immediately, I’m making a mess. I put too much lube in, and my sheets get covered in it. Exhibit A of the crime scene.

But I soldier on, get to work, and do the deed. I’ll spare you the details, but it did feel a bit better than my normal, “handmade” version of this act. Guys are simple and dumb. It felt good. The end. But it did add a new twist to an act I’ve been practicing longer than just about any other of my hobbies.

Now I’m left with a dilemma. Of course I’m feeling the normal “you are disgusting, you are a depraved animal, look at your filthy hands” thoughts that immediately enter a man’s head as soon as semen is self-pulled from his body. But I’m also left with a mess. Besides being messy myself, I now have this thing full of my essence, staring back at me with its pink creases and knowing eye-hole, reminding me of what I did.

Guys get a bad rap for not wanting to cuddle after sex, which is true to a degree. So wanting to clean up a jizz device? The desire for that is even less. My post-coitus level of effort is usually just enough to hobble to the bathroom to get my wife some toilet paper to cleanup, so this is ridiculous.

I had the added benefit of using a lube that’s not water soluble, so it takes me running my pink jizz-lube-tube under hot water in the sink for 10 mins to get it clean. And now it’s clean but wet inside. And I don’t want it to get mildew smelling by sitting in my dark, bedside nightstand. No one likes a moldy fake vagina.

So you might say, “Dan, just leave it out full of jizz and clean it in the morning.” Well, I can’t for two reasons. One, I’m a neat freak, and can’t go to sleep with a sink full of dishes, let along a Fleshlight full of a hot load. And two, this is Exhibit B! The smoking gun! The murder weapon! I can’t leave that out for my wife to find. Or dear god…my kids!

“Hey dad, I found this cool rubber toy in your room. It looked like it had a pretty pink flower on the end, so I gave it a sniff. It smelled like the ocean!!! So I thought it was a seashell, and I put it up to my ear and squeezed it, and it shot a sticky web out of it like Spider-Man. I thought it was a Spider-Man toy, so I ran around the house shooting webs everywhere.”

I’d rather explain to my son that God and Santa don’t exist, than tell him what semen is, and that he just flung his microscopic brothers and sisters all over his Skylanders.

As I was contemplating this, I heard the garage door open, which is the universal sound telling a loner guy at home that he needs to stop jerking off IMMEDIATELY. I quickly grab the Fleshlight, wrap it in a T-shirt, and throw it in the laundry basket.

Later that night when my wife and I are getting into bed, she pulls the covers off the bed and spies an ungodly amount of dried lube from where I squished it out by accident all over the sheets.

“You have some fun while I was out today?” she coyly asks me.

“Sure, yes, ha-ha.” I laugh nervously.

“That’s an awful lot of lube,” she casually demurs. “Wait, did you try the Fleshlight finally?”

“No way,” I stammer back. “That thing is silly.”

I’m not sure why I lie about it. It was after all, a gift from her. I guess it all goes back to that masturbation guilt I’m so foolishly wracked with. I change the sheets. We hop in bed, watch a DVR’ed episode of Mad Men, and go to sleep.

The following days I struggle with my next steps. Do I introduce the Fleshlight into my routine? Is it worth the struggle of cleaning it, and having a device hanging around the house at risk of being found? Maybe this isn’t a Ferrari, but it’s not a unicycle either. More of a Corolla. And it can be fun to rent a Corolla and drive it like you stole it.

I head to the internet to find out how other distinguished gentleman are cleaning their new toy, and everyone is recommending corn starch. Because that’s just what I need. Have my family think I am battering fried chicken in my bed when they find white powder everywhere. And by doing that, I’m already making much more of an event out of what tends to be more habitual than enjoyable.

While I’m contemplating all this, I hear my wife in the laundry room and realize she’s going to find a pink present wrapped in a crusty gym shirt. Time to face the bah-chicka-wah-wah music and tell her I used it.

And of course, when I tell her I tried it and liked it, she was happy about that. I think she appreciated getting some pressure taken off her, and certainly wasn’t feeling jealous about a rubber mistress living in my nightstand. I think she was also happy that she was able to gift me this elastic concubine. A sort of masturbation dowry.

So she was happy. And nothing is better than a happy wife. Except a horny and appreciative one.

Why Sex Is Pure Bologne


Here’s the thing about sex…

Sex is like the best sandwich you’ve ever eaten. But the sandwich shop is WAY across town through horrible traffic. With lots of tolls. And it takes hours to get there and back

A few times you’ve tried to make the trip, and then just had to say “Is this really worth it?” and head home with no sandwich.

And the owner is so friendly to you one day. But he stops speaking to you the next day — with no explanation. When you ask his brother, the manager what’s up, he replies, “Really? Don’t act like you don’t know!”

And sometimes you pay for a sandwich, and the owner says he wants to make one for a customer who knows how to appreciate him.

And one day you show up at the shop and the owner’s best friend looks at you and giggles and says “Ordering the five-inch, Dave?”

Sometimes you wake up thinking about that sandwich. Then you think about the trip and the owner and say, “No way.” So you make your own sandwich… in the shower.

And there are times the owner meets you in front of the shop all angry and is like “Really? The only time I see your face is when you want a fucking sandwich.”

And sometimes you order a sandwich, and after waiting 20 minutes, the owner’s like “Ohh, Mr. Important wants me to make him a sandwich. Sometimes I’m hungry, too, you know!”

So you take the owner out for Chinese. He gives you the silent treatment. You drop him back at the shop, and he offers to make you a sandwich, but only if you sleep over (?!) When you decline, he says “Thanks for a lovely evening” all sarcastically.

Out of nowhere, he posts on his Facebook wall that he’s your exclusive caterer.

One day, confusingly, he says, “Don’t expect any sort of special sandwich just because it’s your birthday. Jesus!”

All of this is to say — even the best sandwiches are a pain in the fucking ass.

“You should have known what I want…”


Mind-reading. It’s one of the easiest ways to cause ruptures in friendships or in relationships. It’s not the people who try to read minds that cause the problem, it’s the ones who hope or expect that the other person will read their mind that becomes problematic.

This is a very common phenomenon. It usually comes out as, “get a clue”, “you should just know what I want”, “can’t you take a hint?”, etc.

The hope is that someone will do something nice without being asked, or it can be used in the negative — hoping that someone will know when to give space or not do something. But it usually doesn’t turn out as hoped.


“Get a clue” is often used when someone hopes they’ve given enough signals to indicate what they want or don’t want. However, this is passive-aggressive, even when the clues are seemingly obvious. Passive-aggression will cause problems even if the clues are read “correctly” because it represents a gap in communication and leaves significant room for error in interpretation. It also means that something isn’t being communicated, even if the signals are being read as hoped — a person may figure out that the clues say to stay away from a person, but the reasons and motivation are still not being addressed. Generally, passive types of communication cause more trouble than being direct.

“You should just know what I want” is more of a wish of a fantasy. This usually comes out in relationships in response to one partner not coming through in the way the other hoped. “You should just know that I wanted to be left alone,” or “You should have just known that I want to spend Saturday with you,” or any others. It would be great if everyone always knew what their partners wanted, but it’s not always so simple.

The idea here is that whenever communication is indirect or based on clues and hopes, it’s likely that there will be disappointment and frustration when the clues are misread, or missed altogether. There are so many ways to interpret clues and hints, that even someone who knows you well can misread the intent. Though it may ruin the fantasy by directly communicating wants, needs, and desires — asking for a hug instead of the satisfying feeling of your partner just figuring it out —  direct communication will help ensure you’re on the same page. For how few times the mind-reading game actually works out, many disappointments, arguments, frustrations, hurt feelings, and even breakups could be avoided by remembering that people around us can’t always read our minds. There are other ways to fulfill fantasies than silently waiting and building frustration.

If you want something, or don’t want something, say it. If you want someone to figure it out on their own, be prepared for disappointment when it doesn’t go the way you want.